both sides of the tracks.

I really have to apologize, I feel as though in my venting I always seem to dwell on all things negative. Also, I have to understand that he people I vent to just may not understand both sides of the tracks. And that's why I always get mixed advice. Some of my friends have come from typical America loving Christian families that have good morals and follow all the rules. Yet, I don't discriminate so many of my other friends have a different perspective on life. Although they wish it wasn't so, life at home may be less than perfect, they try to live yet know how to party and have crazy fun. I grew up a lot sheltered and am happy that I broke free and had the chance to experience real life from both sides. What’s a life if your always doing the right thing, and saying no to what scares you? You end up judgmental and scared of people, always afraid to leave the comforts of the safe little life you've made for yourself.  I vent about what troubles me because I am human and need to express myself. Yet at the same time I'm still here, living this way because I know I can only get stronger, wiser, and braver than I could ever be turning away life's experiences. Living through the crap can... enlighten you in a way. Your perspectives change and you understand people. All kinds of people, good clean Christian folk and the dirty homeless guy with a million layers of clothing on smelling like cat pee who just wants one cig, one little cig to brighten his day. 

I'll tell you a story, a couple of years back I ended up driving to Lancaster all by myself. I was meeting a bail bond man to make arrangements. I was sitting in my car at night in the parking lot of a Mc Donald's in a strange ghetto waiting for a man I have never seen before. A scrungie looking black guy came up to my car window and asked me for money, I was on the phone and very uneasy and turned him away. I watched him in my rear view mirror for a while, and I felt like he was harmless. After you’ve seen evil you can kind of tell, you can look at someone and read their movements. Its like you know, you can feel if something’s right or not. I only had $10 to my name and I ended up getting out of my car, walking over to him and started talking.  He was older and I could barely understand what he was saying. I asked him what was up, I said what you doing out here? He told me he was released from jail not to long ago and was staying at the local YMCA. I assumed he was kicked out because he told me he got in trouble for drinking and it was obviouse there was a hstory of drug abuse here. This guy had a real bad case of meth mouth, but in this moment he was harmless, just trying to get a $buck. I gave him my last $10 not out of pity, but because I knew $10 would do better for him than it would me. After all I had a home to go to and food in fridge, and a shower which he very much needed. We laughed a little and I told him good luck and told him to behave himself. I went back in my car and felt a little better, less scared. I didn't die or get mugged, I wasn't rapped or worse. Now, I'm not saying its safe to just go out and create friendships with homeless guys but I'm saying don't judge something you have no idea about. 

What’s scary is what you don't understand. I'm not here because I think I can fix him or the world. I'm here because I know the raw truth of reality and I have faith that people can change, even if it takes years and years. I don’t need to be lectured on what I already know, and what I already have experienced over and over and over again. I appreciate my friends that listen and wish me the best of luck in my life. But I have to accept that some of my friends get it, and the others just have no idea and rather eliminate the problem instead of dealing with it, if they were faced with the same situations. Sometimes it is easier to turn away a problem than trying to finding a solution, but is that better?

I am a strong and protective mother, an endless lover, a fierce fighter, and I will try my hardest to show kindness to anyone. I wear the fucking pants around here. I will not accept failure for myself or anyone else. You have the shirt off my back, and no one, and dear god I mean no one holds back this bitch. The problem is the ideals that society has brain washed us to believe. What is success anyway? I'm achieving more mentally and spiritually than most will ever know. I complain sometimes because sacrificing isn’t easy. But when I sit and think I recall hearing about someone who lived humbly and gave of himself 150%. He turned no one away for help, healed many, and even died for what he believed in when the rest of the world called him crazy. What I do is nothing compared to that. But I am learning, finding how to balance me and what I can do for others and feel that this is more than worthwhile.  I have always been the one that no one understood, my life has always been different from what is preferred, and that’s how I like it. That’s how it will always be. Through all the crap and scary shit, I’ve experienced some amazing things and felt overwhelming love. My eyes are open, I’ve lived good and I’ve lived bad, and although I don’t know everything yet I’m getting there and the journey is amazing.