super frustrated.

So right about now I just feel like giving up. The world is on my shoulders and I think I'm buckling under the weight. For 6 years I've survive the most craziest bullshit. With a drug addict fiance who was in and out of jail constantly, getting pregnant, and then moving to a "less than efficient" efficiency apartment in good ole reading while trying to rebuild my life has drained my strength. He came home and vowed to be better while we try to be a family for each other and our son, the light in our lives. It all started out well and for a while, although still struggling financially, everything seemed like it was going to be okay. New apartment, new car, a little security, ya know the basics. I don't care if were poor, meaning no fancy car or expenisve luxuries. I just want a roof over our heads and food in the fridge. I'm real low maintenance, I believe its the simple things that makes us happy. Our apartment isn't new or fancy, and sure the down stairs neighbors remind you of a redneck version of the Adams family, but its home. And, yeah so my car has a cracked up wind shield and a retarded tire! At least we have a car. Money scares me and too much of it corrupts people. As simple as I would like my life to be it is far from it. I have ultimately become the manager of everything in our lives and the pressure is making me crack.

The bills: I try very hard to manage a small and effective budget. I plan and organize and even print out little guide sheets I so creatively made on the computer... nerd. But are they followed? Does he pay attention? Are the bills paid on time? NO! Every time a pay check is receive he comes home and I find the gas tank filled to the top, his new pack of newports and anything else he felt he should buy that he just had to have first. And please tell me who the hell pays the Rent-A-Center bill first before the rent or electric bills. Since when did a flat screen become a survival priority? I'm here calling the electric company and jumping through hoops to get on an assistance program so our electric doesnt get turned off! but at least we have TV?? Needless to say I resent that damn monster of a TV sitting in our living room. Also, money always seems to disappear. I'm pretty sure I know where its going. Lets remember once a drug addict, always a drug addict. Even in recovery expect a relapse, its inevitable. Sad but true. Its my choice to stay with him though, so these are the consequences I must suffer. But sometimes I have to ask myself, just because I see him for the good person he is, is that enough to out weigh the bad person??? Any ways bills suck and the more control I try to have over them the less I seem to have.

Work: Now I'm mostly to blame for this one. After having Colin and seeing how good Jay was doing at work I took the opportunity to quit my 9-5 customer service job that I hated but paid good and pursue something I thought would be better. Little did I know Jay was going to get laid off and screw up everything I had planned, whoops. I went to school in 2005 to become a Certified Massage Therapist. I graduated in 2006 but really haven't done much with it. I'm a good therapist but there was one thing that we were not taught, how to market yourself. So here I am, in a COMMISSION ONLY position with a very, very small client base trying so hard to build. Seriously,  if I do one massage a week I only get paid $27.50 then minus taxes. Don't get me wrong, there is potential here. I really care about my clients and try my best to help them. I'm told by 90% of the people who have received a massage from me that I do a really good job. I'm just not good at bringing in a lot of people, I don't know how to sell. And in this economy no one really wants to spend a buck. So what am I to do? I keep trying and trying giving discount after discount only to make less money. Its been a year, I guess I expected more results. They say do what you love and you'll never work a day in your life, but what if doing what you love just isn't possible? I don't know, they tell me not to give up but with everything else on my plate that's how I feel. Hopefully selling Pampered Chef can help fill the income gap until I can get a steady grip on things.

Last but definitely not least, ME: Its so funny that my entire life I've had no will to control what I eat and how much I exercise. Since I was little I was always that girl who was not fat, but just  a little chubbier than everyone would like. My cousins and friends were brutal and always poking fun at me. Ya know, the same old stupid jokes about hide yer' cookies, Megan's here and so on. Even when I was older my own sister would join in. I'd say I was hungry and they'd say your always hungry. I feel as though they made something out of nothing. I never over ate when I was little and I was very active. Just because my body was different I became the target. After all those years of feeling bad about myself I feel like they took a perfectly normal girl and created an eating problem. I eat now to fill what I think is empty. Something that is extremely hard to admit. I only came to this conclusion after the eating got out of control and I would eat til I was sick. The worst was when I ate these huge dense brownies and a very large glass of milk and actually threw up because my stomach was over full. Do you know how scary that is? Talk about reality smacking you in he face. I became exactly what everyone had said I was. No! I have put my foot down. With in all this ciaos in my life there is one thing I am determined about. Even if I have to keep doing baby steps, I'm not giving up on this. Let me remind you how poor I am, so joining a gym is not a possibility for me. So I vow to do sits up and squats and what ever else I can in my very own living room. And I promise to walk every where I can and just get off my ass. Oh and the eating, after vomiting a brownie milk and stomach acid mess I don't think over eating will be a problem for me. Gross. I am determined to shape my body exactly the way I want it to be. Something I can be proud of and feel good about. Oh, and being able to say Ha Ha! look at me know, will be nice too.

Its not in me to give up on my hopes and dreams. Even if sometimes I do feel like walking away, throwing in the towel, and screaming FUCK YOU WORLD from a mountain top. I just wish I didn't have to fight so hard for something we all want. I guess that's my journey. I may not take the same path some of you have choosen, and the obstacles I overcome may be greater... but I will get there. Some day, I will get there.