both sides of the tracks.

I really have to apologize, I feel as though in my venting I always seem to dwell on all things negative. Also, I have to understand that he people I vent to just may not understand both sides of the tracks. And that's why I always get mixed advice. Some of my friends have come from typical America loving Christian families that have good morals and follow all the rules. Yet, I don't discriminate so many of my other friends have a different perspective on life. Although they wish it wasn't so, life at home may be less than perfect, they try to live yet know how to party and have crazy fun. I grew up a lot sheltered and am happy that I broke free and had the chance to experience real life from both sides. What’s a life if your always doing the right thing, and saying no to what scares you? You end up judgmental and scared of people, always afraid to leave the comforts of the safe little life you've made for yourself.  I vent about what troubles me because I am human and need to express myself. Yet at the same time I'm still here, living this way because I know I can only get stronger, wiser, and braver than I could ever be turning away life's experiences. Living through the crap can... enlighten you in a way. Your perspectives change and you understand people. All kinds of people, good clean Christian folk and the dirty homeless guy with a million layers of clothing on smelling like cat pee who just wants one cig, one little cig to brighten his day. 

I'll tell you a story, a couple of years back I ended up driving to Lancaster all by myself. I was meeting a bail bond man to make arrangements. I was sitting in my car at night in the parking lot of a Mc Donald's in a strange ghetto waiting for a man I have never seen before. A scrungie looking black guy came up to my car window and asked me for money, I was on the phone and very uneasy and turned him away. I watched him in my rear view mirror for a while, and I felt like he was harmless. After you’ve seen evil you can kind of tell, you can look at someone and read their movements. Its like you know, you can feel if something’s right or not. I only had $10 to my name and I ended up getting out of my car, walking over to him and started talking.  He was older and I could barely understand what he was saying. I asked him what was up, I said what you doing out here? He told me he was released from jail not to long ago and was staying at the local YMCA. I assumed he was kicked out because he told me he got in trouble for drinking and it was obviouse there was a hstory of drug abuse here. This guy had a real bad case of meth mouth, but in this moment he was harmless, just trying to get a $buck. I gave him my last $10 not out of pity, but because I knew $10 would do better for him than it would me. After all I had a home to go to and food in fridge, and a shower which he very much needed. We laughed a little and I told him good luck and told him to behave himself. I went back in my car and felt a little better, less scared. I didn't die or get mugged, I wasn't rapped or worse. Now, I'm not saying its safe to just go out and create friendships with homeless guys but I'm saying don't judge something you have no idea about. 

What’s scary is what you don't understand. I'm not here because I think I can fix him or the world. I'm here because I know the raw truth of reality and I have faith that people can change, even if it takes years and years. I don’t need to be lectured on what I already know, and what I already have experienced over and over and over again. I appreciate my friends that listen and wish me the best of luck in my life. But I have to accept that some of my friends get it, and the others just have no idea and rather eliminate the problem instead of dealing with it, if they were faced with the same situations. Sometimes it is easier to turn away a problem than trying to finding a solution, but is that better?

I am a strong and protective mother, an endless lover, a fierce fighter, and I will try my hardest to show kindness to anyone. I wear the fucking pants around here. I will not accept failure for myself or anyone else. You have the shirt off my back, and no one, and dear god I mean no one holds back this bitch. The problem is the ideals that society has brain washed us to believe. What is success anyway? I'm achieving more mentally and spiritually than most will ever know. I complain sometimes because sacrificing isn’t easy. But when I sit and think I recall hearing about someone who lived humbly and gave of himself 150%. He turned no one away for help, healed many, and even died for what he believed in when the rest of the world called him crazy. What I do is nothing compared to that. But I am learning, finding how to balance me and what I can do for others and feel that this is more than worthwhile.  I have always been the one that no one understood, my life has always been different from what is preferred, and that’s how I like it. That’s how it will always be. Through all the crap and scary shit, I’ve experienced some amazing things and felt overwhelming love. My eyes are open, I’ve lived good and I’ve lived bad, and although I don’t know everything yet I’m getting there and the journey is amazing.

super frustrated.

So right about now I just feel like giving up. The world is on my shoulders and I think I'm buckling under the weight. For 6 years I've survive the most craziest bullshit. With a drug addict fiance who was in and out of jail constantly, getting pregnant, and then moving to a "less than efficient" efficiency apartment in good ole reading while trying to rebuild my life has drained my strength. He came home and vowed to be better while we try to be a family for each other and our son, the light in our lives. It all started out well and for a while, although still struggling financially, everything seemed like it was going to be okay. New apartment, new car, a little security, ya know the basics. I don't care if were poor, meaning no fancy car or expenisve luxuries. I just want a roof over our heads and food in the fridge. I'm real low maintenance, I believe its the simple things that makes us happy. Our apartment isn't new or fancy, and sure the down stairs neighbors remind you of a redneck version of the Adams family, but its home. And, yeah so my car has a cracked up wind shield and a retarded tire! At least we have a car. Money scares me and too much of it corrupts people. As simple as I would like my life to be it is far from it. I have ultimately become the manager of everything in our lives and the pressure is making me crack.

The bills: I try very hard to manage a small and effective budget. I plan and organize and even print out little guide sheets I so creatively made on the computer... nerd. But are they followed? Does he pay attention? Are the bills paid on time? NO! Every time a pay check is receive he comes home and I find the gas tank filled to the top, his new pack of newports and anything else he felt he should buy that he just had to have first. And please tell me who the hell pays the Rent-A-Center bill first before the rent or electric bills. Since when did a flat screen become a survival priority? I'm here calling the electric company and jumping through hoops to get on an assistance program so our electric doesnt get turned off! but at least we have TV?? Needless to say I resent that damn monster of a TV sitting in our living room. Also, money always seems to disappear. I'm pretty sure I know where its going. Lets remember once a drug addict, always a drug addict. Even in recovery expect a relapse, its inevitable. Sad but true. Its my choice to stay with him though, so these are the consequences I must suffer. But sometimes I have to ask myself, just because I see him for the good person he is, is that enough to out weigh the bad person??? Any ways bills suck and the more control I try to have over them the less I seem to have.

Work: Now I'm mostly to blame for this one. After having Colin and seeing how good Jay was doing at work I took the opportunity to quit my 9-5 customer service job that I hated but paid good and pursue something I thought would be better. Little did I know Jay was going to get laid off and screw up everything I had planned, whoops. I went to school in 2005 to become a Certified Massage Therapist. I graduated in 2006 but really haven't done much with it. I'm a good therapist but there was one thing that we were not taught, how to market yourself. So here I am, in a COMMISSION ONLY position with a very, very small client base trying so hard to build. Seriously,  if I do one massage a week I only get paid $27.50 then minus taxes. Don't get me wrong, there is potential here. I really care about my clients and try my best to help them. I'm told by 90% of the people who have received a massage from me that I do a really good job. I'm just not good at bringing in a lot of people, I don't know how to sell. And in this economy no one really wants to spend a buck. So what am I to do? I keep trying and trying giving discount after discount only to make less money. Its been a year, I guess I expected more results. They say do what you love and you'll never work a day in your life, but what if doing what you love just isn't possible? I don't know, they tell me not to give up but with everything else on my plate that's how I feel. Hopefully selling Pampered Chef can help fill the income gap until I can get a steady grip on things.

Last but definitely not least, ME: Its so funny that my entire life I've had no will to control what I eat and how much I exercise. Since I was little I was always that girl who was not fat, but just  a little chubbier than everyone would like. My cousins and friends were brutal and always poking fun at me. Ya know, the same old stupid jokes about hide yer' cookies, Megan's here and so on. Even when I was older my own sister would join in. I'd say I was hungry and they'd say your always hungry. I feel as though they made something out of nothing. I never over ate when I was little and I was very active. Just because my body was different I became the target. After all those years of feeling bad about myself I feel like they took a perfectly normal girl and created an eating problem. I eat now to fill what I think is empty. Something that is extremely hard to admit. I only came to this conclusion after the eating got out of control and I would eat til I was sick. The worst was when I ate these huge dense brownies and a very large glass of milk and actually threw up because my stomach was over full. Do you know how scary that is? Talk about reality smacking you in he face. I became exactly what everyone had said I was. No! I have put my foot down. With in all this ciaos in my life there is one thing I am determined about. Even if I have to keep doing baby steps, I'm not giving up on this. Let me remind you how poor I am, so joining a gym is not a possibility for me. So I vow to do sits up and squats and what ever else I can in my very own living room. And I promise to walk every where I can and just get off my ass. Oh and the eating, after vomiting a brownie milk and stomach acid mess I don't think over eating will be a problem for me. Gross. I am determined to shape my body exactly the way I want it to be. Something I can be proud of and feel good about. Oh, and being able to say Ha Ha! look at me know, will be nice too.

Its not in me to give up on my hopes and dreams. Even if sometimes I do feel like walking away, throwing in the towel, and screaming FUCK YOU WORLD from a mountain top. I just wish I didn't have to fight so hard for something we all want. I guess that's my journey. I may not take the same path some of you have choosen, and the obstacles I overcome may be greater... but I will get there. Some day, I will get there.

oops!

I had like 3 paragraphs written on this app to post to my blog and it got all deleted. grrrrrrrrrr.. so I'll blog tomorrow cause now I'm too frustrated.

More than my purpose in life

So okay, here goes day two. Don't get excited I'm not going to drain myself and do this every day but I just have to write about my most wonderful son Colin.

Isn't he gorgeous!!! I think so but I'm his mom. he he he!

This handsome guy came to me as a surprise. I never say accident, no child is an accident. But a surprise, definitely! Like any women who finds out she is with child my whole life changed in that very second. It has been a crazy roller coaster of excited moments, happy tears, frustrated cries, and very rewarding moments just like hearing my son laugh since I discovered I was pregnant. My son is more than a purpose to live and do right. He is my motivation, my joy. Even when hes naughty, which he is often enough, and I have to yell at him I cant help but try to hold back a smile because he  is sooooo funny and just lights me up. Daddy and I are so in love with this little guy.

For anyone thinking about kids, yes its a major pain in the butt, but so rewarding. I would definitely do it again. Well, maybe just once more.

Mommy loves you Colin.

first attempt.... again.

Okay, so I'm going to give this another shot. I seem to never be able to commit to this blogging even though it seems like it could be very therapeutic for me. I always seem to have to much to say and no one to listen, or no one wants to listen. So at this point in my life, perhaps I need this. Currently I am a very stuck mother of one who is in a seemingly endless engagement with the most difficult person, although he could and has said the same about me. My days include the normal house wife duties, cleaning, laundry, cooking, and dishes not to mention chasing around a very energetic 1 yr old. I try my best to manage our home life, our financial life, and everything else adulthood entails. Mother by day business woman by night. In the evenings a few nights a week I work as a Massage Therapist, an enjoyable job although I have to pretty much have to build my own clientele and when you are not a people person it can be hard but, I'm trying and building slowly but surely. I also sell Pampered chef on the side which so far has been a fun experience. I mean who doesn't like to cook or eat. The extra cash is nice too.

So here I am living the place I've made in this world and still feeling stuck. Like I said, I'm going to give this blogging a go and see where I end up. Perhaps in sharing my thoughts, ideas, and crazy emotions I just may end up somewhere. Perhaps reach some sort of epiphany, some kind of determination, or even better a balance and happiness I can find peace with. Wow, seems like I'm looking for a lot, but, aren't we all....?